Tag Archives: unhealthy relationships

Letting Go

3 Jan

So the New Year came and I did what I was expected to do. I dutifully declared my New Year’s resolutions to include the obligatory weight loss goal and I even reached a little deeper and declared I’d get back on my faith walk and refocus my energy on a man who will not disappoint. I call him God.

In the spirit of New Year’s resolutions and hope for change, I did what most people do. I started thinking of all “new things.” I’ve spent days thinking of new ways to change my wardrobe, new ways to manage my time, and new ways to spend more quality time with my kids. I also focused a lot my thinking on new ways to take better care of myself. In the midst of all these thoughts my life began to feel a bit cluttered, and then it hit me. I’m adding all these new things and yet I’ve made no room for them. I had no plan for ridding my life of the “old things”, the things that no longer serve me well, the things that detour me off my life’s path and limit my growth as a human being. For me, these “old things” fell under three categories: thoughts, behaviors, and relationships.
I no longer have room for thoughts that say I’m not good enough, I’m too fat and I don’t deserve true love. I cannot save any more space for the kind of behaviors that lead me down a path of destruction and isolate me further from the kind of people I truly want to be around. And when it comes to relationships, I have to take inventory of who is helping and who is hurting. Nobody is hurting me without my consent, I am accountable, and I know that means it is up to me to let go of people in my life that I have come to love in my own bizarre way. They mean something to me.

I am finding with the help of mantras and writing, my old thoughts are fairly easy to replace with new ones. Even old behaviors are being replaced by new and healthy ones in a short amount of time with some conviction. It’s the letting go of relationships that brings me to my knees. The tears flow and my heart literally aches. I’ve sat and wondered why it is so painful to let relationships go and now I am beginning to understand. Relationships have two people in them, the other person and us. When we decide to let the other person go, we have decided to let a part of ourselves go as well. We are saying, this relationship isn’t working for me and I can no longer do this. I can no longer be that person. We let them go, and we let go of a part of us that no longer works to our benefit. Maybe we are letting go of the part of ourselves that allowed others to take advantage of us, to use us, to hurt us. Even when it is in our best interest to let go of the “old us,” it can be scary. At least we are familiar with the old part of ourselves; we know what to expect in the way of thoughts and behaviors. Change on the other hand, can be terrifying. In fact, letting go of relationships will cycle you right back through to your old thoughts and your old behaviors so make sure your new ones are securely in place before you say your goodbyes. Goodbyes are tough so it helps just a little to acknowledge that you’re not just saying goodbye to the other person, but also to an old part of you that isn’t serving you well anymore.

So with the New Year, I have new thoughts. They come from a place of strength and an in-tact self-esteem. The thoughts about being good enough and worthy of love are here to stay. My behaviors are in check and leading me in a healthy direction towards my goals. I have intimate conversations with my God every night. He is the last call of the day for me. As for some of my relationships, I’m letting them go, and yes that includes parts of the “old me” as well. As necessary as they are, goodbyes are never easy.


Are You In A Healthy Relationship? (Self-Check for Teenagers)

2 Sep

If you are a teenager and currently in a relationship with someone else, be sure to take this quick quiz.  All you have to do is answer each of the 26 questions with a YES or NO.  Check your score when you are done to determine if you may be seeing warning signs or are in fact in an abusive relationship.

Each statement begins with:

The person I am with…

  • is very supportive of things that I do.   YES/NO
  • encourages me to try new things.  YES/NO
  • likes to listen when I have things on my mind.  YES /NO
  • understands that I have my own life too.  YES/NO
  • is not liked very well by my friends or family.  YES/NO
  • says I’m involved in too many activities.
  • texts or calls me all of the time.  YES/NO
  • thinks I spend too much time trying to look nice.  YES/NO
  • gets extremely jealous or possessive.  YES/NO
  • accuses me of flirting or cheating.  YES/NO
  • constantly checks up on me or makes me check in.  YES/NO
  • controls what I wear or how I look.  YES/NO
  • tries to control what I do or who I see.  YES/NO
  • tries to keep me from seeing or talking to my family and friends.  YES/NO 
  • has big mood swings – gets angry and yells at me one minute but is sweet and apologetic the next.  YES/NO
  • tries to keep me away from my family and friends.  YES/NO
  • puts me down, calls me names or criticizes me.  YES/NO
  • makes me feel like I can’t do anything right or blames me for problems.  YES/NO
  • makes me feel like no one would want me.  YES/NO
  • threatens to hurt me, my friends or my family.  YES/NO
  • threatens to hurt him or herself because of me.  YES/NO
  • threatens to destroy my things.  YES/NO
  • grabs, pushes, shoves, chokes, punches, slaps, holds me down, throws things, or hurts me in some way.  YES/NO
  • breaks things or throws things to intimidate me.  YES/NO
  • yells, screams, or humiliates me in front of people.  YES/NO
  • pressures or forces me into having sex or going farther than I want.  YES/NO

If you scored 5 points or more, you are definitely seeing warning signs and may be in an abusive relationship.  Remember the most important thing is your safety.  Consider making a safety plan right now.  You donj’t have to deal with this alone.  Talk to an adult that you trust about the situation and create a plan of action that works for you and will keep you safe from harm.

Source:  www.loveisrespect.org