As unfortunate as it is, my children have to live in two different homes. They live in mine every day and night except on Thursday nights and every other weekend. And of course there is the occasional schedule change and series of special events that throws off their routines just a bit more. My children have been living this way for 7 years now. Can you imagine wanting to wear your favorite shirt and then remembering it’s in the “other house?” Running upstairs to get your favorite toy only to remember you left it in the “other house?” Imagine adjusting to the different kinds of groceries and snacks depending on which house you’re in at the time, greeting different dogs at the door depending on where you’ll sleep that night. The list goes on and on of the kinds of adjustments our children make on a regular basis. I would absolutely hate to have all my belongings split between two houses and not be able to lay my head down in the same place every night. I watch my children in amazement as they navigate this routine that has become their norm. On the random occasions where they forget a school work assignment at the “other house,” I let it slide. I can barely keep track of all my work piles in one home and I’m an adult. I was always told that children are resilient and I believe it to be true. The more I thought about the ease with which they live this way, I began to realize their success is due in part to their naturally laid back temperaments and innate ability to bounce back. The other key to their success is their dad and I abide by their rights. We didn’t ever sit down, discuss their rights and agree to abide by them, but it simply must have been a value we’ve always had in common to put our children first. We probably parent better together now than we ever have. If you are struggling, and more importantly if you are children are struggling, review their rights and do everything you can to abide by them. They deserve it. It’s the very least we can do as they travel between two homes.
1. Continue to love both parents without guilt or disapproval (subtle or overt) by either parent or other relatives.
2. Be repeatedly reassured that the divorce is not their fault.
3. Be reassured they are safe and their needs will be provided.
4. Have a special place for their own belongings at both parent’s residences.
5. Visit both parents regardless of what the adults in the situation feel, and regardless of convenience, or money situations.
6. Express anger and sadness in their own way, according to age and personality (not have to give justification for their feelings or have to cope with trying to be talked out of their feelings by adults).
7. Not be messengers between parents; not to carry notes, legal papers, money or requests between parents.
8. Not make adult decisions, including where they will live, where and when they will be picked up or dropped off, or who is to blame.
9. Love as many people as they choose without being made to feel guilty or disloyal. (Loving and being loved by many people is good for children; there is not a limit on the number of people a child can love.)
10. Continue to be kids. In other words, not take on adult duties and responsibilities or become a parent’s special confidant, companion or comforter (i.e., not to hear repeatedly about financial problems or relationship difficulties).
11. Stay in contact with relatives, including grandparents and special family friends.
12. Choose to spend at least one week a year living apart from their custodial parent.
13. Not be on an airplane, train or bus on major holidays for the convenience of adults.
14. Have teachers and school informed about the new status of their family.
15. Have time with each parent doing activities that create a sense of closeness and special memories.
16. Have a daily and weekly routine that is predictable and can be verified by looking at a schedule on a calendar in a system understandable to the child. (For instance: a green line represents the scheduled time with dad, and a purple line represents the scheduled time with mom, etc.)
17. Participate in sports, special classes or clubs that support their unique interests, and have adults that will get them to these events, on time without guilt or shame.
18. Contact the absent parent and have phone conversations without eavesdropping or tape-recording.
19. Ask questions and have them answered respectfully with age-appropriate answers that do not include blaming or belittlement’s of anyone.
20. Be exposed to both parents’ religious ideas (without shame), hobbies, interests and tastes in food.
21. Have consistent and predictable boundaries in each home. Although the rules in each house may differ significantly, each parent’s set of rules needs to be predictable within their household.
22. Be protected from hearing adult arguments and disputes.
23. Have parents communicate (even if only in writing) about their medical treatment, psychological treatment, educational issues, accidents and illnesses.
24. Not be interrogated upon return from the other parent’s home or asked to spy in the other parent’s home.
25. Own pictures of both parents.
26. Choose to talk with a special adult about their concerns and issues (counselor, therapist or special friend).
For more information: http://www.focusas.com/Stepfamily.html (“Rights” taken from this site)
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